Monday, August 6, 2012

Momfessions: I hang my head in shame

So we are relatively new to this parenting thing.  I mean we've got all of 7 and a half months under our belts and the first three are a complete sleepless blur.  I think somewhere in those first three months we decided it wasn't necessary for one of us to be awake every single second during the next 18 years of The Kid's life.  But damn skippy if The Kid's dad didn't try. Poor guy. He nearly had a nervous breakdown day 2 in the hospital trying to stay awake all.the.time. So we decided to sleep. A little.

Before that decision, I'm not really sure what happened during those 3 months. I just remember staring at The Kid for 5 hours a day in disbelief that the nurses let me leave with care myself. I remember having a boob in his mouth for 16 hours a day and wondering what it was like outside the four walls of my house for the other 3 hours.

Not in a grandiose, deep kind of way.  More like, I hope the zombie apocalypse hasn't started yet cause I would be screwed, kind of way. I wouldn't have even known if we were the last of the human race. Man, that would have sucked.

Lack of sleep does strange things to one's psyche.

Not a zombie. Me 3 months postpartum. Sleeeeeeep!

Having kids makes you weird.  Your life becomes a series of moments where you question your sanity and intelligence. I kind of feel bad for The Kid for getting stuck with morons for parents.  But that's what he got and he has to live with it. You, on the other hand, get to enjoy our stupidities without the consequence of a lifetime of therapy.

  • The Kid's dad stole a box of latex gloves from the hospital and used them during every single diaper change for the first 3 weeks. I have photographic evidence of this.

  • Last week, The Kid's dad asked why he smelled like baked goods while he held him.  I had no idea what he was talking about until I changed his diaper.  Apparently The Kid's poopy diapers smell like baked goods to his dad.  Cute or sign of a stroke?

  • The Kid got a cold and for 72 hours I was either crying or checking his breathing every 15 minutes. I wouldn't recommend only sleeping in 15 minute intervals for 3 days-.

  • Sometimes I let the dog lick his face clean after meals. So sue me.

  • The Kid's dad had a slight obsession with those rubber snot suckers. He kept asking for them at the hospital. At one point we had 7.   Nurses were making bets on how many we'd leave with.

  • The Kid's dad asked the nurse about their return policy during the hospital tour. She was not amused.

  • I have yet to develop a baby appropriate filter. Sometimes jackass is the only thing you come up with when teaching him things that start with J.

  • Us Weekly is a not a good substitution for a bedtime book. The Kid was devastated by the TomKat split. Took hours of reassurance to get him to bed that night.

  • I have a strict spit up shirt change policy. Less than 3, not worth it unless there is greater than a 60% chance will see someone I know.

  • The Kid was soaked one morning when I picked him up out of his crib.  I discovered his dad had only fastened one side of his diaper during a middle of the night diaper change.  The other half was still folded under.

  • Napping Resting your eyes in a parking lot when you get to the grocery store because you dread waking up Sir Cranks a Lot.

  • Answering the door with the nursing bra unclipped is a great way to ensure the Jehovah Witness ladies won't come back to your house.

  • I took my car in to the dealership to get the broken air conditioner fixed since it was onlyblowing out hot air and check my check engine light.  Tech looked at it for 5 minutes and came back to tell me I had the heater on and forgot to screw on the gas top. He took pity on me and didn't charge me.

I showed you mine, now show me yours.  What are your best momfessions?


  1. Not a mom, but took my nephew to the park one day. There were "fire poles" that the kids were supposed to try to climb up. Instead I taught my 3 year old nephew how to swing around it like a stripper.

  2. See in my book that het the coolest aunt ever award but obviously I have low standards to what constitutes good parenting so who knows.

  3. Finding you via Bloggy Mom's August Blog Hop! Can't wait to read more and get to know you better!

    Love the part about US weekly! I can totally relate to how you feel. Let's just hope that when the kiddo's two things are youngest STILL gets up at least twice!

    1. Thanks Molly. I'm heading over to your blog now!

  4. I love this WAY too much!!! SO funny! I would love for you to come link up this post at the Mommy-Brain Mixer blog hop, which is happening right now! TONS of fun! I hope to see you! :)