Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Polygamy and Me: A Love Story

Sometimes my husband says things that make me think he has a secret wife and he's confusing me with her.

Like the other night when we were sitting on the couch watching a particularly poignant episode of Family Guy. Well, it wasn't poignant per-say, I just wanted to be the first person ever in history to say poignant and Family Guy in the same sentence. Winning!

Husband: You should teach piano!

Me (very confused): I don't know how to play piano.

Husband: You could learn and then you could teach!

Me: I'm at a loss here hon. I just don't know how to respond so I'm gonna just watch the show again and pretend this conversation never happened mmkay?

The next day:

Me: What do you feel like having for dinner? I'm thinking I'll just throw a pizza in the oven.

Husband: Oooh, can you make homemade potstickers? Yeah, homemade potstickers would be amazing.

Me: What? When have I ever made homemade potstickers? When have I ever made homemade anything?

Husband: I think you could make homemade potstickers. God, those would be so good right now.

Me: No. We're having pizza. Ass.

See what I mean? Seriously this man is having a secret second life with a woman who is a apparently classically trained pianist and moonlights as a professional chef who specializes in Asian cuisine. I think I'm starting to like this woman.

In fact, I've grown quite fond of Trixie. That's what I decided her name is. Trixie. Kind of whorey. Cause you know, she did steal my husband. But she's the fun kind of whore. The kind you hate because she's sluttin' it up all over town, but she is a good time and funny as hell so you kinda have to like her. Plus she's my sister wife. And by God, I'm gonna make this marriage work.

We'd sit in the kitchen drinking wine, pouring over the TMZ website with Mob Wives blaring from the tv.

Our husband walks by and smirks at our reality tv addiction. "Oh you gals!" he chuckles.

She'd whip me up some kung pao chicken before putting the baby to sleep by playing the lullaby she composed just for him. And she'd take the night shift.

Oh yeah, this could work.


  1. I can't play piano but I can cook. Can I be your sister wife? We'd have a ball and I feel like I've already had your H say something like "Oh you gals!" to us before. Think about it. I hear I'm good with my hands... ;)

  2. We are currently taking applications but you of course are at the top of the list. Like my hubs says " but she's blonde AND Jewish!".

  3. Crap. I don't cook nor can I carry a tune in a bucket. Can I just join in on the drinking and eating? I'll be the sister wife third wheel.

  4. EVERYONE likes a fun kind of whore. Everyone. :D

  5. Tracy: everyone knows there isn't a limit on the number of sister wives one can have. Honestly, we have pretty low sister wife standards. Just bring wine and you're in.

    Sue: Right?! Fun kind of whores are the best kInd of whores.