Saturday, August 4, 2012

50 Shades of No Way

Not getting pulled in to this one. Nope. No way. No how. Before you inundate my inbox with hate mail and pleas to join your little club, you 50 Shades of freaks, hear me out.

A) Your Instagrammed vignette filtered photo of your handcuff Harlequin casually on purpose set on your nightstand does not make you badass. It does not make you seem mysterious and sexy. It makes you look like a sheep. Baaaa.

and B) I read tortured myself through the first pages. Ms. E.L. James needs to quit Thesarus.com cold turkey. She's got serious synonym issues.

Oh, lest we forget C) She's an idiot. Bless her heart, but she is. Point: “My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils.” What.the.eff.

and lemme add D) It's good ol' Twi-hard fan fiction folks. You heard it right. You bet your ever lovin' life she originally wrote and posted this under the handle SnowQueens IceDragon. Honest to god.

Not to mention E) It's hard to read while rolling your eyes.

So there. Now you know why I refuse to be part of this gang of sexually pent up 50 freaks. I can't trust you. I don't know if one day we'll be hanging out, picking out bath towels at Bed, Bath and Beyond and then suddenly you're all like, "Have you read 50 Shades of Grey?"and then the next thing I know...I'm stuck in a slightly dirty version of a terrible romance novel speaking in British phrases, repeating adjectives, misusing words and lost in a bad plot.  Oh yes please, said no one ever. 

10 comments:

  1. Too funny! I havent jumped on the bandwagon yet either)

    Kendall
    www.healthyfamilyspirit.com

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    1. Stay strong against the masses Kendall! I got your back!

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  2. I feel the same way! I have a stack of books on my bedside table that I am yearing to have time to read. 50 Shades is definitely not one of them!

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    1. BusyMom oh do I know my dear. I wandered around Barnes and Noble today with a book in hand I have wanted to read forever. Put it back when I realized it would interfere with precious sleep time. Chose sleep over expanding my brain. Fail.

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  3. Love this post! I too refuse to read the books! One because if I have time to read I want to read something uplifting and two I'm not a fan of 'soft porn'. Thanks for the honest post! Nice to know I'm not alone!
    ~Ashley
    http://momma-on-a-mission.blogspot.com/

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    1. Yeah, who wants to get all hot and bothered when you're too tired to get all hot and bothered?

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  4. Totally no time for it. None. It would cut into my twitter time. Which is basially all day. I LOVE THIS POST.

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    1. Oh god! No thank you. Reading twitter is a type of reading so there. Winning!

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  5. Damn you're funny! I HATE this f***ing book!! My daughters read all 3 in the series and didn't stop talking about it for months. I finally caved and started reading it.....after 50 pages of crap, I had to chuck the book lest I threw up on it. I was ready to KILL Gray--he sounded like a creepster--what idiot WANTS to be treated like that in the bedroom??? It wasn't sexy, it was.....stupid. Cliche. Dare I say it--BORING? I'm with you on this one!!
    Love your blog--just joined up as a follower on your GFC. Stop by some time and say hello to a woman who is writing humor through clenched teeth while hot flashing over her keyboard!!

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    1. You ma'am have a good head on your shoulders. Know how I know? I agree with everything you said. Plus you managed to make me snort giggle. Anyone who makes me snort giggle is good in my book.

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